The First Disclosure

     I first found out that my husband 'used' to have a 'problem' with pornography when he told me over a long distance phone call.  We had started dating that fall and I was away for my first semester of college.  It was winter and I was in a new place with no support system around me.  Most of our phone calls would start in the evening and go late into the night. This one wasn't any different.  My poor roommate!  I remember her once making a comment about how I seemed to cry an awful lot.  Looking back I now realize that the pain I felt during this time was part of the betrayal trauma that would be my unwelcome companion over the next several years.  I remember feeling cheated that he had not told me about this before I left for school so that we could discuss it in person, and I would be able to look in his eyes and read his face.  At this point in time we had already discussed that we wanted to get married and I felt like it was a good decision.   He assured me that viewing pornography was a thing of the past and that he didn't do that anymore.  I think he really may have believed that since he was able to stop long enough to serve a full time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. 

     I have a hard time remembering all of the details surrounding that first discloser.  At first I think I felt a little numb.  This wasn't supposed to be a part of my love story!  If he hadn't told me himself I never would have even known to ask.  How could such a great guy have such a dark secret.  I felt so alone and confused.  Who could I talk with to try and sort out my feelings about this awful revelation from the man I loved and hoped to marry.   Physically I don't really remember how I felt, but vaguely remember curling up in a ball on my bed and sobbing.

      I wish that I had reached out for help that day, that I had shared what I was going through and sought guidance.   I suppose I did reach out.   I remember praying so hard about what to do.  Do I continue on with our plans to get married?  In the grand scheme of things will everything be okay?   Yes!  Even now I feel a confirmation that the path I chose was the correct one for me.   It has been so awful so many times, but I am going to be okay!

     If I could go back in time I would tell myself that pornography use is a real addiction and that this ride is going to be a roller coaster.  I would drill into my heart that I am beautiful, and strong and courageous.  That I am ENOUGH, and that HIS addiction has nothing to do with ME!   No action or lack thereof on my part can ever make him change.  Change and recovery has to be something that he wants badly enough to work for himself.  I would tell myself that recovery is possible and that there is HOPE!

     As I reflect back on that day I feel sadness for the frightened young girl I was who felt so very, very alone.  I want to to hug her and rock her and tell her how amazing and wonderful she is.  She hurts so badly and I wish that the woman I am today could ease the pain of the girl I used to be.  I feel compassion for that broken girl and the way she responded with the situation that was dumped in her life.  How could she have done any different?   I now have so many tools, resources and support available to me that I never even dreamed could exist.  I am slowly beginning to feel gratitude for the blessings I have gained through this immense trial.  I have gained the love and support of an amazing sisterhood, and am learning so much from their collective experience and wisdom.  I am beginning to gain a deeper understanding of the strengthening and enabling power of the Atonement and I am learning to trust my Heavenly Father again and allow him into my heart.  

I am stronger now than I have ever been.