One of the most profound things I experienced at Togetherness came, not from the specific words of the presentations, but from within myself. As I arrived at the conference and checked in, I noticed the outfits of all the ladies in attendance. Some wore skirts and others jeans, many had cute jackets, scarves and other coordinating accessories.
They all looked lovely.
I found myself wishing that I had chosen a cuter outfit. Wishing that I even had cuter clothes from which to assemble a stylish ensemble. Sometime during or after the opening speaker I began to notice a shift in the way I felt. As I connected with the women around me and felt a bond of safety and trust, I was no longer concerned about how I might measure up in appearance.
I started to feel ok about the way I looked.
I hadn't magically lost 30 pounds or suddenly sprouted an exquisite new outfit a la Cinderella style, but none of that seemed to matter any more. This gathering of soul sisters was a safe place where I could be happy and confident just being me. The practical outfit I'd chosen for the day, just a basic black shirt and jeans with no jewelry, was just perfect. It fit my needs for toting a wiggly baby all day and not having to worry about crinkling a nice jacket or having earrings ripped out my ears (ouch!) or a necklace broken.
I was happy to be myself with these ladies.
I felt confident!
Even before I discovered my husband's betrayal and addiction to pornography I struggled to accept and love myself just the way I was. If you have first hand experience of a loved one acting out sexually I'm sure I don't have to tell you what a huge tole it can take on one's self esteem. I was no different, and the changes from bearing and nourishing babies haven't helped a ton. As I have begun to try healing from the consequences of my husbands actions, I am slowly beginning to accept my physical body for what it is and learn to love myself the way I am. I look forward to someday feeling as confident next to my husband as I did in the presence of those at The Togetherness Project.
Has your confidence and sense of self worth been affected by a loved one's sexual addiction? What have you done to gain it back, or do you still struggle to see you true beauty?
I first found out that my husband 'used' to have a 'problem' with pornography when he told me over a long distance phone call. We had started dating that fall and I was away for my first semester of college. It was winter and I was in a new place with no support system around me. Most of our phone calls would start in the evening and go late into the night. This one wasn't any different. My poor roommate! I remember her once making a comment about how I seemed to cry an awful lot. Looking back I now realize that the pain I felt during this time was part of the betrayal trauma that would be my unwelcome companion over the next several years. I remember feeling cheated that he had not told me about this before I left for school so that we could discuss it in person, and I would be able to look in his eyes and read his face. At this point in time we had already discussed that we wanted to get married and I felt like it was a good decision. He assured me that viewing pornography was a thing of the past and that he didn't do that anymore. I think he really may have believed that since he was able to stop long enough to serve a full time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints.
I have a hard time remembering all of the details surrounding that first discloser. At first I think I felt a little numb. This wasn't supposed to be a part of my love story! If he hadn't told me himself I never would have even known to ask. How could such a great guy have such a dark secret. I felt so alone and confused. Who could I talk with to try and sort out my feelings about this awful revelation from the man I loved and hoped to marry. Physically I don't really remember how I felt, but vaguely remember curling up in a ball on my bed and sobbing.
I wish that I had reached out for help that day, that I had shared what I was going through and sought guidance. I suppose I did reach out. I remember praying so hard about what to do. Do I continue on with our plans to get married? In the grand scheme of things will everything be okay? Yes! Even now I feel a confirmation that the path I chose was the correct one for me. It has been so awful so many times, but I am going to be okay!
If I could go back in time I would tell myself that pornography use is a real addiction and that this ride is going to be a roller coaster. I would drill into my heart that I am beautiful, and strong and courageous. That I am ENOUGH, and that HIS addiction has nothing to do with ME! No action or lack thereof on my part can ever make him change. Change and recovery has to be something that he wants badly enough to work for himself. I would tell myself that recovery is possible and that there is HOPE!
As I reflect back on that day I feel sadness for the frightened young girl I was who felt so very, very alone. I want to to hug her and rock her and tell her how amazing and wonderful she is. She hurts so badly and I wish that the woman I am today could ease the pain of the girl I used to be. I feel compassion for that broken girl and the way she responded with the situation that was dumped in her life. How could she have done any different? I now have so many tools, resources and support available to me that I never even dreamed could exist. I am slowly beginning to feel gratitude for the blessings I have gained through this immense trial. I have gained the love and support of an amazing sisterhood, and am learning so much from their collective experience and wisdom. I am beginning to gain a deeper understanding of the strengthening and enabling power of the Atonement and I am learning to trust my Heavenly Father again and allow him into my heart.
I am stronger now than I have ever been.
In the beginning when I first discovered that my husband had a 'problem' with pornography I felt so very very alone. Who could I possibly tell? The shame and stigma surrounding this addiction kept my suffering in the shadows and over the years I allowed the darkness eat away at my soul and self worth a little at a time. Thanks to the bravery and courage of so many others, I no longer feel alone in this journey, which can at times be filled with the soul crushing weight of despair. These days I am filled with hope and am beginning to heal. This past weekend I was blessed to meet so many courageous, hope filled, and inspiring women at a very special gathering called The Togetherness Project. Together we shared our stories, our tears, and our light of hope. I am a so inspired by the stories of faith and courage from these women that have gone through experiences so similar to my own. Who new this sad tale of addiction was SO common? I certainly didn't!
During the conference I was surprised by the lack of emotion I felt, probably due to the distraction of having a 7month old baby to tend the whole day. On the drive home and as I got ready for bed that night the tears just started flowing. At first I couldn't figure out why I was crying. Part of me was sad to say goodbye to so many new and dear friends that I had come to know and love in such a short time. Throughout day I had been thinking how sad it was that so many people had been through such traumatizing experiences, but then I realized that I am one of them. Maybe I should say that I re-realized since I obviously already knew that we shared the reality of having a spouse with a sexual addiction, but sometimes it's easier to push that to the back of my mind. As I processed all of this I also realized that if I am one of these traumatized women, I also have the same resilience and strength. I am not alone! I am on this journey together with such an amazing sisterhood. We can do hard things, and we can heal together!
Thank you Jacy and everyone who put so much time, effort and love into creating this life changing gathering. Thank you!
Hi my name is Ruby and my husband is a recovering porn addict. (This is the part where you all say "hi Ruby" and give a knowing and sympathetic smile). His addiction began with underwear ads when he was around 12 years old. Underwear ads! You know, the kind that come in your mail every week with all the grocery ads and valuable money saving coupons. Talk about stealthy invasion of the home fortress! He wasn't the kind of rebellious angst ridden kid with tattoos, greasy hair, bad body odor and baggy jeans down to his knees that you warn your own kids to steer clear of. Well, maybe there was some greasy hair and body odor involved, I can't vouch for the hygiene of a twelve year old boy. Personal grooming habits aside he was a very talented and well liked young man. As my new friend, Sidreis, will readily tell you, sexual addiction is a human disease and no one is immune. Due to the shame and stigma surrounding this addiction and the behaviors that go along with it and the advent of the internet, what started out as youthful curiosity escalated to the point were he had premarital sex. Compounded by other tragic events in his family this was a very low point for my husband. He did some soul searching and realized that life could not continue on it current course without some very serious consequences. With the help of a loving Bishop he was able to get himself in order enough to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints.
This is the prologue of our story. A story about addiction, yes, but also a story of great love and slogging through hell because because that love is worth so much and worth fighting tooth and nail for.
